How Many is Too Many?

Today's topic is a little out of my experience so I decided to do some research to figure things out. How many sex partners must someone have before they're deemed undatable?

It seems that people make their cutoff number based off their number of sex partners. So if someone has slept with 5 people dating someone who's slept with 25 is a lot and they might not feel comfortable dating someone with that  many unless they're searching for someone with a lot of experience. But if that same person was to date someone who had 45 partners then that doesn't make their number seem as big.

So maybe there is no magic number but there is a personal number and it doesnt really matter how many people you've slept with, somebody will find your number to be normal.

Dealing With a Stalker or a "Bugaboo"

We all have done it. Even I'm guilty of it. A guy or girl has asked you for you number and you give it to them. Maybe you already knew things weren't gonna work and you gave them a chance or maybe you knew it was gonna be a mistake but you gave it to them anyway. Either way they have your number and you just can't get them off your back. They text you constantly. They call you more than twice a day and sometimes they don't even give you enough time to return the call before calling back. They are just as aggrivating as a bunch of roaches! They are persistent. They are continuous. And no, they don't know the meaning of the word no. Scary enough, some take it to the next level by memorizing your schedule, sitting outside your house, annoying your friends and family by asking about you, and relentlessly trying to win your love and affection. Some are more subtle and may not be aware that they are bugaboos but they constantly call and text even after you've nicely told them to tone it down a bit. They don't mind expressing their true feelings even though you've told them a hundred times that you don't share the same feelings. So you need a plan and you need one quick before things get out of hand. To get rid of them you have to be defiant. Not aggressive but show them that you mean what you say. Sometimes you might have to threaten them with a restraining order. Others need just a little shove. Changing your number will only work temporarily because in huge cases they find your number and in smaller ones, they always seem to run into you asking for your number. Most people use the "oh my phone is off right now." others go for the punch and say "I do not wish to give out my number." Sometimes people bring out the really big guns and fuss them out just to give them a scare. Whatever the solution the outcome is never pretty and you feel bad for a little bit but them not bothering you anymore feels great! I feel there is no ultimate solution for this problem. For future refrences, think twice before giving out your number and watch out for the weirdos. They have the same traits as normal people but their weird tendencies come out later on. Good luck and this post will not help you avoid them. Let's be real about the situation, you can't exactly duck and cover when they come running you just have to go through the process.

Dating Outside of Your Religion

If you're religious, dating can have its limitations and that can sometimes be upsetting. However, these limitations are beneficial in the long run. Me being Pentecostal definitely has some obstacles when it comes to dating. Finding the right Christian, someone who will keep me up with my faith. With these limitations, it causes singles to feel somewhat doubtful about our future mate. And we question if there really is a being out there for us. But going outside of your religion is not the answer. Especially if your mate is deeply rooted in their faith, most likely, they're not going to change their faith for you nor will you ever come to a common place if you have arguments about your religion. suppose you decide to get married and have kids. That argument about what god your kids will serve will never go away and that becomes a major problem for your family and for your marriage. Not saying that you can't make the differences work because if you have then well done! But if you haven't then I'm sure you know what you need to do. What's the meaning of relationships again? Two people sharing common interests and traits. Religion is not only a lifestyle but a trait. Depending on how religious you are, it becomes your DNA makeup don't you want to find someone to share that with?

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Battle of the Sexes

Men Vs. Women. What's the big problem?

Men are from Mars, women are from Venus. Men are simple, women are crazy. However you want to say it, women and men have different levels of thinking and thus comes the problem.

I put it this way, men are simple. They are also problem solvers. Sometimes women just want men to lend an ear and they end up getting more than they bargained for. Men want women to stop trying to change them and accept them for who they are. Sometimes men tell women who they are and women take it and try to change it to fit their standards. There lies problems.

Men get a good idea and go after it. If it doesn't turn out right, fine, try something new. Women follow the W.O.M.A.N acronym:
Worry
Overthink
Meditate
Analyze
Negotiate
Before a woman goes into a situation she tries to answer a million questions about it. How does it benefit her? Who will be involved? How risky is this? What happens next? How long does it take? How much does she need to invest? And so on.

Men don't want to get into feelings. They have their own way of expressing themselves. Sometimes they'd rather talk to their friends about you rather than talk to you about you. They'd rather let last night's fight go rather than talk about how you made them feel with some of the stuff you said. Men will be men and women will be women.

It's not that men don't understand women because they do. They just have a different view of us. That's why communication should be one of the first things you do as a couple. When couples talk, they gain more understanding of each other and find it easier to work as a team. When a man knows what makes a woman tick, he can then figure out how to avoid that. When a woman figures out a man's plan, she can figure out where she fits in.

If a woman doesn't see herself in her man's plan then it's time to pack it up and make for an exit. If a man can't figure out his lady's heartstrings then that's a tangled web and he should soon be making a break for it. Men won't sit down and chat with a woman like they're girlfriends. Women won't stop expressing themselves. But there is a common place, it's up to us to find it.

I'm Back!!

I'm coming back with all new topics and discussions. I'm also updating this blog little by little. SO changes will be  occurring as you look. For those of you NOT on the cog train yet, I suggest you get on it and get on it soon because these blogs will be very interactive, very helpful and as you all know, very entertaining. I got what you wanna hear and if there's any requests don't hesitate to let me know.

Online Dating Etiquette

I guess I could call myself an online dating site conisuer. I have profiles everywhere: Jazzed, Okcupid, eharmony, zoosk, chemistry.com, plentyoffish, ect. With that being said, I see a lot of bad etiquette as I scan through a potential mate's profile.
Women especially have a certain criteria that they look for before sending the man a message. Each list is different but it might look a little like this:
*Picture (Is he cute?)
*Age (Too young or Too old)
*Smoke (Yes or no)
*Drink (Yes, socially, rarely, no)
*Height (Tall or short)

After the list has been met, she proceeds to read the "About me" portion. She asks herself: Is he outgoing? Does he have a job? Is he making something of himself? Could I see myself dating him?

Pretty easy right? WRONG! There are some red flags when it comes to searching profiles for a mate. Here are the top __

PICTURES
A profile picture is everything on a dating site. Is it clear? Who's in it? What's in the background? Does it display what you look like now?
All too often do I see guys pictured with kids and it may not be their child. Most sites give you the opportunity to write a caption simply say me an my niece/nephew or whoever it is. If you don't have kids, try posting pictures of just you. If you're single look single. If i go across your page and I see you pictured with a girl, I'm going to automatically think she's more than just your friend. This is a dating site not Facebook. Women connect stories to pictures. Some will give you a chance to tell her who it is in your picture but others will just pass you by.
Blurry pictures don't say anything except "I am a real person". She can't tell if you two fit because she's looking at a blur. She needs to capture your face so she can set you apart from the other guys sending her messages.
Check your background. Is there an instrument in there? I can't speak for other women but men dressed up and men with instruments in their picture usually get messages because talented and sharp dressed men are my for sure weakness. So look around you before you snap the picture. Is the toilet back there? Crop that out. Is your messy room showing? Block that out. Tell your story through your picture.

PROFILE
Advertise yourself. If you sound boring in your profile then you might not get as many messages as you could be getting if you let your interests shine a little bit.
Don't contrast yourself. If your profile says that you don't smoke but when I look through your pictures and you're smoking, that tells me that you lie.
Don't over do it to make yourself sound great. If you're jobless and broke, don't put Mr. MoneyMaker as your username because you're not. You're online to find someone to be with which means eventually you will meet that person which means eventually they will find out that you're jobless and broke.
Put in your profile what you want. If you prefer a certain type let it be known because potential daters are going to read it and automatically compare it to them. I'm not going to message you if you say you prefer skinny girls, I'm going to respect that and move on. You know what you want so let it be known.

MESSAGES
Nobody likes being ignored. So if someone messages you and you answer and they message you back and you don't answer, that becomes a problem. They're going to be waiting for your message and you're not going to send one and that's just rude. If you know you would not like to talk to them don't message back at all and they will get the picture.

Follow these guidelines and you should have a nice online dating profile on your hands.

Yours Mine and Ours

For a second I want to get on marriage. When you're single what's yours is yours and what's mine is mine. Like Beyonce said "Everything you own is in the box to the left." We can share but only certain things. When you get married, it's a whole different ball game. You have to share things you never thought you would share and yes, that does include your Cheerios. The reason I say this is because the "that's yours and that's mine" act gets old real quick. It looks dumb when you have to ask your wife can you have some of her yogurt or you have to ask your husband can you use his power drill. And finances... Lord have mercy. I understand if you want your little side bank account but you two do need a joint account. The reason you two got married is to become one soul and that means taking what's yours and theirs and making it ours. Trust is what you need in a marriage. If you keep saying that's my money your spouse is not going to like that and they will feel like they're just your roommate splitting bills with you and occasionally getting some romance. Don't let your marriage reach that point. Before you get married, know what kind of debt and financial stability you got and know what kind of debt and financial stability they got so there will be no surprises. When you get married you take on more than just a soul mate. You take EVERYTHING. So treat your spouse like this is ours. Prenups. You knew I was going there. I personally don't believe in them because it's like you're telling me that you are not sure our marriage will last for a lifetime and this agreement is your safety net. I'm not all about that. If you are not sure about your marriage, simply don't get married. I mean come on, how many old couples do you know have a prenup in their marriage? I don't know any. You know why? Because back in the day people built marriage based on love. Now we got people getting married because they like the idea of being married or they don't want to be alone or they know their spouse has money and they will be taken care of. Before you get married, consider the values you are marrying for and then take that step. If it's not enough, don't go there.

Stand By Me

Now you know that people can talk. So don't act ignorant if lies start floating around about you and your sweetie. What you need to do is stand by your sweetie. If the lies say they are cheating, you sweetie is innocent until proven guilty. It doesn't matter what type of relationship you're in, 9 times out of 10 somebody doesn't want you together and is looking for that window of opportunity to break you guys up. Well trust issues can help this jealous snake get their job done so you need to be sure to trust them with your whole heart. Don't be searching their personals because you are not the FBI, you don't have a probable cause and you definitely don't have a search warrant. When you search because you don't trust your sweetie you almost always find exactly what you're looking for. That's why I tell people if something sneaky is going on I'm not going searching for it because things have a way of coming to light so sit and be patient and things will work out to my benefit. Now look if you got one of those fake friends, honey you better watch out because they will take you boo. I don't care if they all smiley in your face one day, I'm telling you if they want your boo, they will take your boo. You gotta keep your eyes peeled for sneaky people like that because most likely they will stop at nothing. So when you first get into a relationship, you have just stepped onto the battlefield so suit up and be ready to fight. Just don't fight your sweetie, stand by them.

Taking the Good With the Bad

Relationships are fun and it's nice to have fun so you can have good times to look back on. But everybody has a past because no one is perfect and in that past there is some baggage. Whether it's a little or a lot you have to be able to take their baggage and they have to take yours. If you know you're not willing to handle what your sweetheart comes with then you don't need to bee with that person. But one thing to remember is to never expect to find somebody who is all sun and rainbows because I guarantee something is wrong. I don't mean they got 2 kids and stabbed their ex 15 times, walking around with two strikes on their record. Maybe they cheated on someone before or they have a slight anger issue. Baggage is baggage, we all got some because we all have made mistakes so you have to realize that if you want someone to take in your baggage, you have to be willing to drop some guards and take in someone else's baggage. It's a part of life and if you want someone you can't expect Mr. Perfect or Miss Prim and Proper.

The Single, the Brave, and the Patient

Today's post is dedicated to those of you are single. We want someone that we can hold on to through the hard times. Someone to make us light up when they call. And most importantly someone to have adventures with. But eligible bachelors and bachelorettes just don't come raining out the sky so we must wait and wait and wait until the day comes when that very special one comes along. The saying is very true that we must learn to love ourselves before we can allow someone to love us. Sometimes we get so wrapped up into wanting someone that we forget to appreciate ourselves without having someone. We immediately think something must be wrong with us, my friend Lynn has a man, my friend Johnny has a girl, my friend Jen has a nice girl, my friend Brad has a nice man. Why on earth don't I have anybody? That's when you have to stop looking and let that person come to you. Also embrace any opportunity to meet new people. You never know when your special person is sitting next to you. Also try to be sociable even in the most awkward situations because coming off as closed minded or closed in gives potential dates a red flag that you might not be single and you so are. Last but not least be patient. Never give up the hope that you can be the one to live happily every after. It might not be today or tomorrow, may not even be next week but they are somewhere wondering the same thing about you. Thinking to themselves will I ever find them. Your other half is somewhere, you just gotta keep the faith that one day you two will join up in eternal happiness. But for now enjoy being single and enjoy yourself.

Expectations

Today's post is very important. Our relationships are often built on expectations. We expect so much of our partner ans when the outcome isn't what we want, we get mad. No person on this earth has the ability to please their partner 100% of the time or they are fake. So let me get something straight, when your partner is doing their best but fail to meet your expectations, give them credit. I know myself my expectations are kinda tight but I don't expect them to be fulfilled. I do however, expect at least half to be fulfilled and that's possible. If your sweetie expected you to be a superhero, you can't be one. You can dress like one and act like one and even go the extra mile of demonstrating one. But at the end of the day, you are no superhero but your sweetie should be happy you tried and you did make a fool of yourself for them which says a lot about you.

Time For You

Being with your sweetie makes you feel amazing, I know. If you could attach yourself to their hip it would be so great... maybe not. As much as being with them feels good, you still need time for you. You must have time to think about them and you can't do that if you two are always together. That quality time together is important in building your relationship but too much quality time can become annoying. Nobody is perfect and there are quirks that you can't stand about your sweetie.  These quirks can come out real quick and start bouncing on your last nerve. That causes petty arguments. So take time for yourself. Read a book, watch a movie, play video games, go shopping, do some yoga. Do something without them. And then when you two do get back with each other, you will find that you guys have something to talk about.

Getting Over An Ex

Everybody is different. Nobody takes the same exact healing process. Some of us heal quickly while others are wounded for a very long time. Healing also depends on the circumstance of the break up, who did the breaking up and how much did the person meant to you. There's a little saying that goes: time heals all wounds. It true and through times you will have to complete all of these steps to get over your ex.
1. Acceptance
Accept the fact that you guys are through. You guys may get back together but just in case you don't, accept it now.
2. Deal With It
Once you have accepted that it's over, it's time to deal. Cry, get angry, laugh, shout, jump around, whatever you have to do to get through the fact that you two have broken up.
3. Love You
You have shed the last of your tears, thrown the last of your punches. You are ready to love the one and only person who as been there for you since day on-- you. Don't play the blame game and put it all on yourself. Don't start hating yourself for how the relationship went. Love yourself so everyone else around you can love you too.
4. Put The Past Behind
He/She is gone. I know it sucks but by now in the healing process if they wanted you they would've tried to make it work by now. So be friends or do whatever but put that chapter behind you. Say lesson learned and work on the future.
5. Find Something/Someone to Fill the Void
I'm not advocating that you be a slut and sleep with someone else 5 minutes after the breakup. Once you have completed the other four steps, you will be completely over your ex. Maybe there is a hot guy who wants your number, give it to him but take things slow. Maybe the cute chick on the elevator deserves a chance let her in, you don't hurt anymore. If there is no one, take up a hobby. You miss having someone less when your schedule is filled with interesting things to do. Don't forget to take time for yourself. Of course that is another blog for another time.

Getting Back At Your Ex

I know he really hurt you. She really messed with your heart. The easiest thing to do would be to set their house on fire or perhaps run them over with a car. Yes, it's the easiest but definitely not the best thing to do. As people, we go on impulse. Someone make us angry, we find a way to get them back. Someone makes us happy, we make them happy and so forth. Revenge is just not the answer when it comes to a broken heart. Women are known for keying a man's car. She feel she has every right to, she is very hurt. But how about taking another approach to the situation. How about showing your ex that you are strong. Get dressed up, go out with your friends, have a good time, flirt and date. If you have a run in with your ex, introduce your date nicely and walk away with pride. Give them your best "I have moved on look" and turn away. We cant always inflict pain upon people to make us feel better. You might feel better while you're doing it but trust me, you will still have a broken heart. Don't go around hating the world because you have a broken heart. Your ex wants to see you down. Try your best to stay upbeat. Most of all don't make your ex your entire world. AL you talk about is them, all you think about is them, without them you want to die. All of that is unnecessary and until you realize that there is a wonderful world around you and there is more going for you, all you're going to see is your ex. I know it's hard getting over someone but you have to try to be a strong person or you will never flee from their trap. Getting over an ex is another blog saved for another time.

Don't Be the Reason For a Breakup

Too often, couples break up over foolishness. He said she said, misunderstandings,past arguments, and friends' opinions. One thing that cuts out 75% of that foolishness is to remember who is in the relationship. Two people. You and your lover. Don't let outside people become extra weight in your relationship. It's cool to get your best friend's opinion on your sweetie or to conversate with you buddies about your new love interest. But don't let those opinions and ideas become the sole reason for your break up. If and when you do have a good reason to break up, try to break up the healthy way. Don't blame each other for everything. Don't demand things from your partner and expect results within seconds. And don't bring up the past to make your point about whatever you are breaking up with them for. In a healthy break up, you let each other speak. Hear that person out before jumping the gun on them. Then explain what hurts you about the situation. Next try to come to a compromise about what to do about the problem. If you can't work things out then break up mutually. Meaning make sure both of you want to end the relationship or feel that you need to end it. You should walk away as friends not enemies wanting to plot revenge on one another. Getting back at an ex is another blog for another time.

Trust

I have a friend, lets call her... Suzie. Suzie has a boyfriend. Let's call him... Chad. Suzie and Chad have been dating off and on for about four months and now Suzie has completely lost trust for Chad. When he is not with her, she thinks he's up to no good. She always asks me what I think and I put myself into her shoes and think about what I would do if I thought my man was cheating. Here is what I came up with. Cheaters are innocent until proven guilty. You can search phones, pockets and laptops all day but most likely you will find exactly what you're looking for. A good relationship has trust. You can't be around each other 24/7 to know exactly what one another is doing all the time so you have to trust that your sweetie is staying faithful. I told Suzie that if she asks him questions about what he's doing and his story is not straight then there is a red flag. On the other hand she needs to understand that if he feels that he is not being trusted he will most likely step out and find someone who will. Overbearing pushes you sweetheart away. Give them a reason to hold you closer. Trust is number one in a relationship and you can never feel you're being told the truth if you can't trust. When does suspicion turn into paranoia? When you get like Suzie. She is constantly accusing Chad of sleeping with someone else and keeping tabs on him. That is a BIG no no in the world of relationships. Your sweetie needs to know they can be trusted. Don't make triple threats because nothing may be going on. Chad may just want some time to himself, which is okay. And then in her case he may be slowly drifting away from their relationship because he feels he can't be trusted. Don't be the reason for your break up. That will be the topic for another blog, another time.